Away...again...

My Dearest Husband,

We always joke about when you leave, it gives us a chance to 'reset' ourselves, even though it only the field this time. You've been for what feels like a year, but in reality, it's been on and off for five weeks. I'll see you this weekend, then back to the GIJOE field you go for one more week...hurts that I have to spend the last month of being 39 without you....you've missed so many...with me spending my last few days 39, just having put the Littles down for their much needed nap, I started the two overfull looked-over sides of dishes in the sink, this came across my thoughts as my tired feet needed a break...

You leave, I hate it. You leave, I love it. Most military spouses can relate to that very powerful, yet, confusing sentence. I hate it becasue you are not with me, the kids, the chores, the everyday everythings you miss, but I love it becasue it gives me a chance to take a step back and reflect on myself, us, and our marriage. We are truly blessed by the God that witnesses our union to each other and are very much in love. We love our life together, our children, our hobbies, and our downtime. I also love that I can sit back and sort out the thoughts I have running through my head everyday before speaking them to you...kind of a way to talk to you even though you are not here, but you can't get me all lost in thought.

You work. You provide. You sacrifice. You bring in the paycheck that supplies all our lifestyle has to offer us. I am truly thankful for that. I appreciate all you do. Everyday. With that being said, I work. I provide, I sacrfice. I bring in the tiniest fraction of your paycheck. I pick up the slack on that lifestyle with that tiny fund...the extra pizzas, the extra activities for the kids, the not-needed shoes or clothes for the kids, the treats at the grocery store...I provide a clean home, (well, try to, but we are parents of two Texas tornadoes so some days are harder than others to keep it clean) for you when you come home from a long 15hour day. I take care of the kids, their needs,and their activities. I sacrifice...oh how I sacrifice. I have given up so much for myself that I have lost the thought of ever getting those things back. I just realize that right now, it's just not 'my' time to have them, i.e., the career, the degree, the gym time, the relax time, the nice matching clothes and what goes under them, the matching pillow cases on the bed to their coordinating sheets, the perfectly shiny mopped floor to the rustic look of the home. Just not right now.

I want you to appreciate me. I need that. I need to know that what I do everyday is cherished. You get that drive time home to unwind, I don't. I need a kiss everyday when you come in that door to know that I was missed like you were. I need to look up from cleaning spilt water or milk off the newly mopped floor, hair a mess, clothes covered in kids all day, to you standing there, just looking at me smiling...waiting to ask about my day when you already know the answer based on my current activity. I do jump in and help with whatever is next on the 'list' of life, and I thank you for that. I love that your time with the boys is bath time and that allows me a few minutes to wrap whatever I had started whether it be an order, dishes, laundry, etc...we work together to get them ready for bed, and then it's our time...our time to do what we need to each get done or ready for the next day, or sit and watch a show. You know I don't need to 'cuddle', I just want to feel your presence while we do so...to me, that is so intimate. We are together, but have our own space. I may not have even showered yet for the day, but you still make me feel refreshed becasue you are with me.

After 16years, I still look at you with the same eyes I met you with on that dance floor...love at first sight, it's still love at first sight everyday you walk in the door...you definalty know you are not walking into a wife in anything sexy on, just paint covered paints and unkept hair. 'Our time' runs through my head about 1000 a day, I'll catch myself thinking of you in your greasy pants and boots and it drives me nuts...I smile, laugh a little chuckle to myself, and go back to being 'Super Mom'. The biggest thing you could ever do to keep that 'spark' alive is to show me in the small ways that I am still the 'spark' of your life. There are days in a row, I am just to tired to even move or breath, to tired to even shower, to tired to cry, but you are the only one who can pick me up. The only one I want to keep picking me up. Wrap your arms around me, hug me, let me collapse, catch me, tell me I am beautiful, tell me you cherish me, tell me you want me...those words are what I hear during the day over the 'mommy, he hit me, mommy, I poop, mommy, I don't like you, mommy you're mean'...make me feel like you did when we met, the unexpected gestures, the unexpected random text messages, the unexpected phone call, the unexpected flowers, the unexpected dates. Don't wait for me to get a babysitter, make the arrangements, make the calls, plan the date, take me on a tailgate coffee/beer date in a field, lay me down to look at the stars, count them with me, or say nothing at all and let me drift off to sleep in your arms for a few minutes while you look up and count your blessings, hoping that you are only counting four...me and our beautiful boys.

Love your,

Overworked, tired, yet, passion burning inside wife,

Your love...